Faith

Have any of you gone through a stage in your life when it feel likes you’re either drugged up or you’re in a dream? In either case, you aren’t in a complete state of consciousness- almost feeling like you’re in a daze. Welcome to the last 288 days of my life {story here, latest update here}.

I’ve posted updates here and there during this craziness that has been my life. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been on this giant roller-coaster that has had far too many dips and sharp turns in it. Goodness, I can’t handle them in real life and evidently, I don’t deal with them very well figuratively either. It feels like I’m in the seat and we’re slowing inching up towards the biggest curve and when I think the ride is almost done, something unexpected happens. Everyday I think I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream, but alas, I know this isn’t true.

Late last year, I did an interview with Jenny Simmons, a Christian artist {post here}. She released her debut solo album earlier this year and while I enjoy the whole cd, the song “What Faith’s About” has spoken to my heart ever since I heard it.

What if the days I’m walking into
Are the best of my whole life?

Cause who am I not to be, not to be
Everything that You have called me?
And who am I not to speak, not to speak
To every mountain that’s before me

— small snippets from the song What Faith’s About by Jenny Simmons

There have been so many times I have listened to this song and just burst into tears, tonight being one of them. In my heart of hearts I believe that God DOES have a plan and a purpose in all of this, I truly do. I’m hoping that someday, maybe in the near future, He’ll show it to me and my life can move on from this. My body is exhausted from the pain, the different ailments and then mysterious health issues that have arisen separate from the accident. Emotionally, most of the time I’m a wreck. My thought process, memory, cognitive behavior have all changed and the day-to-day things in life seem to get harder and harder. I’m at the age where I should be enjoying life to the fullest and yet here I am, feeling like I’m on the outside looking in on everyone else living life.

I miss being able to stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. I miss the days when I felt relatively healthy for at least five days straight. I miss having good posture and not needing  to hunch over to make the pain in my back and neck bearable. I miss what it was like to not have to take medications for migraines almost everyday. I miss the moments when I was able to drive wherever I wanted and not have ANY flashbacks and anxiety over driving. I miss having a passion and zest for life. Honestly, this list could go on and on…..

Sweet friends, this is me. Real. There have more breaks here on the blog because I’ve been dealing with the issues above, along with others. My blog is my baby and honestly, if I didn’t have it during all of this, I don’t know how I would have managed to get this far. Many of you  have been with me since before the accident happened and I wanted to give you a raw, uncut look into life lately and why I’ve been slower about responding, less “on it” and not posting as often.

If any of you are facing difficult situations, I’m going to encourage you to listen to this song. Then, if you’d like, feel free to leave a comment or send me an email– know that you are not alone. For some reason I felt burdened to just be myself without editing too much and sugar coating things today.

With all of that being said, I AM still hopeful that the days I’m walking into are going to be the best days of my life. I don’t know what that will entail or mean exactly {I’m hoping it will still include me blogging!}, but I’m holding onto  hope. I need to.

In closing, remember, you are greatly loved by God, and by me. ♥