What If…..

whatif

Have any of you gone through a stage in your life when it feel likes you’re either drugged up or you’re in a dream? In either case, you aren’t in a complete state of consciousness- almost feeling like you’re in a daze. Welcome to the last 288 days of my life {story here, latest update here}.

I’ve posted updates here and there during this craziness that has been my life. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been on this giant roller-coaster that has had far too many dips and sharp turns in it. Goodness, I can’t handle them in real life and evidently, I don’t deal with them very well figuratively either. It feels like I’m in the seat and we’re slowing inching up towards the biggest curve and when I think the ride is almost done, something unexpected happens. Everyday I think I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream, but alas, I know this isn’t true.

Late last year, I did an interview with Jenny Simmons, a Christian artist {post here}. She released her debut solo album earlier this year and while I enjoy the whole cd, the song “What Faith’s About” has spoken to my heart ever since I heard it.

What if the days I’m walking into
Are the best of my whole life?

Cause who am I not to be, not to be
Everything that You have called me?
And who am I not to speak, not to speak
To every mountain that’s before me

— small snippets from the song What Faith’s About by Jenny Simmons

There have been so many times I have listened to this song and just burst into tears, tonight being one of them. In my heart of hearts I believe that God DOES have a plan and a purpose in all of this, I truly do. I’m hoping that someday, maybe in the near future, He’ll show it to me and my life can move on from this. My body is exhausted from the pain, the different ailments and then mysterious health issues that have arisen separate from the accident. Emotionally, most of the time I’m a wreck. My thought process, memory, cognitive behavior have all changed and the day-to-day things in life seem to get harder and harder. I’m at the age where I should be enjoying life to the fullest and yet here I am, feeling like I’m on the outside looking in on everyone else living life.

I miss being able to stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. I miss the days when I felt relatively healthy for at least five days straight. I miss having good posture and not needing  to hunch over to make the pain in my back and neck bearable. I miss what it was like to not have to take medications for migraines almost everyday. I miss the moments when I was able to drive wherever I wanted and not have ANY flashbacks and anxiety over driving. I miss having a passion and zest for life. Honestly, this list could go on and on…..

Sweet friends, this is me. Real. There have more breaks here on the blog because I’ve been dealing with the issues above, along with others. My blog is my baby and honestly, if I didn’t have it during all of this, I don’t know how I would have managed to get this far. Many of you  have been with me since before the accident happened and I wanted to give you a raw, uncut look into life lately and why I’ve been slower about responding, less “on it” and not posting as often.

If any of you are facing difficult situations, I’m going to encourage you to listen to this song. Then, if you’d like, feel free to leave a comment or send me an email– know that you are not alone. For some reason I felt burdened to just be myself without editing too much and sugar coating things today.

With all of that being said, I AM still hopeful that the days I’m walking into are going to be the best days of my life. I don’t know what that will entail or mean exactly {I’m hoping it will still include me blogging!}, but I’m holding onto  hope. I need to.

In closing, remember, you are greatly loved by God, and by me. ♥

15 Comments

  1. My heart aches for you. Thanks for being so open and honest about your struggles. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I hope you get a string of better days in a row, soon! Love, Wendy xox

  2. Hello there Paulina. I’ve just recently found your site and have played in your 10 minute craft dash twice. I hadn’t realised your health struggles. I have had mine too …. and found myself allergic to wheat, dairy, yeast …. and a few other things. Really tough ! But I have recently had a BEST evaluation (see http://www.biomeridian.com/) and watch the video. What I like is that it really can tell you what is wrong for you. I had originally thought I was gluten intolerant, but only wheat came up. Yay! And it can also tell you how each of your organs are fairing – are they healthy or struggling. Worth seeing if there is someone near you doing this.
    Hope you find good health.

  3. Paulina, I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling well since the accident (I didn’t even know you were in one!). Life is so unfair sometimes but I believe that there’s a ray of sunshine at the end of this! Only time will tell and heal you from what you are going thru now. I sometimes find myself not wanting to go on coz life can be so unfair but when I look at my kids… They’re my rays of sunshine at the end of the day. Without them, on life would be meaningless… Its hard being a mom, a wife and everything that comes with but its what we have that makes life worth living. It’s hard I know but be brave because your ray of sunshine is coming:-) if you need to talk, just email me. I have my listening ears on for you.

  4. Oh my goodness! I just went and read the post about your accident and am so sorry that it happened to you! On your videos you always sound so…perky and happy!! You must be hurting inside and yet your disposition always seems so sunny. I hope whoever was watching over that day and steered you away from serious injury helps you get through these low days and guides you through to keep smiling and crafting and whatever else gets you through.
    Big hugs and healing wishes to you.

    Caryn xxx

  5. Thank you for sharing!! I only found your blog in the last few months, and had no idea. Many prayers and love sent your way.

  6. Hi- I have just read about your accident and subsequent health problems and I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I know this isn’t about me, but I want you to know that I have dealt with some pretty serious issues myself… I thought I was going blind shortly after my daughter was born 5 years ago, but then diagnosed with MS at 28. It was very freaky and continues to be a struggle in my life. So while I don’t have your direct experience of what you are going through, I can sympathize with all the ups and downs on every single level.
    Obiouvsly, you already know that some days will be better than others and that is just the way it is. I am personally just realizing (5 years later) that having people understand my situation as best they can and accept me for what I am (know I am not perfect, know I make mistakes and some days it is hard to just get out of bed) is making a difference for me. I think the biggest realization is for ME to accept that people know that about me and not feel like I have to put on a charade for them, I can just be real and true to however I feel.
    Soooo, I totally support you; when you feel good and when you feel like crap, when you want to be cheery or when you want to vent or be “real” and “raw” on your blog, and when you want to take a blog break. Whatever you need to do for you, do it!
    I realize we don’t know one another other than from a brief stint on the blogosphere, but If I can do ANYTHING at all for you, please let me know since I am here in Seattle too. :) Having a support network and simply someone to talk to who does understand can go a long way. Please take me up on this offer if you are so inclined, I wouldn’t make it if I didn’t really mean it. Maybe we can help support one another!
    Hugs from the bottom of my heart! Katie

  8. Paulina,
    Read your post today and sent you mental hugs. Referring to your accident, have you been to see a physiatrist? This is a doctor who specializes in physical medicine. I am a speech pathologist who works in a Rehab centre with patients with acquired brain injuries (many due to trauma). It sounds like you may be suffering from the sequelae of concussion or MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury). Many of the symptoms you report like difficulty with memory, thinking, planning, emotional roller-coaster, etc could be due to that. I’m glad you’re seeing a counsellor for emotional issues related to all this, but it might be worth following up with a physiatrist who could refer you on to a neuropsychologist and speech therapist for assessment and strategies. Hang in there!

  9. Thinking of you.

    The song that spoke the most to me after my dad passed was The Hurt & The Healer by MercyMe.

  10. Hi Paulina,
    I just want to say that you are not alone either my friend. Just like you,I live in chronic pain 24/7 and my pain was not caused my any accident and what I live with, I will live with for the rest of my life. I miss the every day things that I once used to be able to do as well. You and I have tons in common in that aspect of our lives. Paper crafting has become my therapy. If you need to talk or vent, please do not hesitate to email me.
    Hugs,
    Jo
    xox

  11. Hi Paulina,
    Your post certainly touched me today. I can totally relate to your frustration and the desire to return to normalcy. I live with chronic pain and constant fatigue and have learned this also changes your brain on a cellular level. I too, have seen a naturopath. He indicated that gluten and dairy can cause additional inflammation in the body, so I try my best to avoid these.
    I pray that you will continue to heal on your journey. I believe that God has a plan for each of us. It is hard to be patient when you just want to be well (or at least function normally). In prayer, God told me that “everything will be okay”. This has given me such peace as I’ve worried terribly about finances, returning to work (after being away over 3 years now), living a “normal” life. I find that if I just “let go and let God” that things really do work out …. not always the way I would like, but that’s okay.
    I pray that God will give you healing and peace. Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes.

  12. I understand how you feel. I have been sick and therefore disabled since 1994. With lupus, fibromyalgia and some other stuff. However, I’ve still managed to get married and have three kids. Hang in there.

  13. Big hug from me as well, sweet girl. You’re doing just fine. Why? Because you still manage to give the others sunshine and happiness. It means that there’s still plenty inside you, even though I’m sure there are plenty of times that you don’t feel like you do. Take it easy and know that there are people who care and are there to help <3

  14. Dear Paulina ~
    I’m so sorry to hear of your big setback. We are so blessed by your sweet spirit and cheery ethic, and nothing would make us happier than to hear of a breakthrough for you!
    I’ve been wanting to ask you if you’ve had your adrenals looked at, and don’t remember if this has been addressed before. Have you been checked for fibromyalgia? FM can exacerbate so many conditions and make them worse and debilitating. Also, the more we hear about artificial sweeteners, the more it illuminates the physical maladies and complications to people’s health. I don’t know if that is something relevant for you.
    With prayers for you Paulina ~ Robyn

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